“Amongst all the images that rise in my mind, only one comes out clear. That ‘thing.’ At night, it feels like thunder inside my brain; moving around, trying to burst free. It follows me, again and again. It feels like the waves of the ocean crashing onto my brain, and all my affection goes along with it. Frustration, friendship, envy, emptiness, unhappiness, pity, unbearable, hunger. I want to go back to that old thing I felt affection for.” Griffith, Vol. 10 Ch. 2

Griffith missed Guts. Through the jumble of fragmented memories, Guts was the single spark of coherency. His image was seared into Griffith’s brain, reinforced by a storm of conflicted emotions. Their power was overwhelming.

“But not just the one thing. I want back everything that I used to feel affection for. Because now I feel nothing for any of those things, even though their images are clear in my head, crystal clear. I want to keep the feelings of those things with me...” Griffith, Vol. 10, Ch. 2

In truth, Guts was the only thing Griffith felt anything towards anymore. He had vague recollections of his old life, his army, his comrades, but the substance behind those memories was rapidly fading. He knew they were important to him, and he tried very hard to cling to these shattered pieces of his humanity, but it was getting progressively more difficult. He started having visions of demons coming to worship him and calling him Prince... or were they hallucinations? The fact that Griffith lasted as long as he did, and held onto his memories for as long as he did, is a great testament to his inner strength, and perhaps even his goodness.

“But why? When it comes to him I can’t keep my equilibrium. The one who put me in the darkness is also the one who is keeping me alive. Amongst the thousands of comrades, the tens of thousands of enemies, only him... Why? When did it start? I was sure he was mine. Suddenly, he seized hold of me.” Griffith, Vol. 10, Ch. 2

Griffith had a lot of time to reminisce about Guts in the prison. He could no longer deny that his feelings about Guts were very different from any he’s encountered before. He did not know when the balance of power shifted, but he resigned to the fact that Guts had somehow usurped control of their relationship. These realizations did not come without a sharp stab of pain, however. Griffith blamed Guts for his predicament. But how much, and in what way? Was it love or hatred that was keeping him alive? Was it his inability to answer that question that was driving him insane?

“My strong desire to achieve this dream initiated my journey. But now, while my dreams are fading away, inside me his brightness hurts my eyes... Guts!!" Griffith, Vol. 10, Ch. 2

Griffith also blames Guts for bringing down his dream. No, overpowering his dream. All his talk of life purpose and equals pales in comparison to his feelings towards this one man he once considered his inferior. On the one hand, these feelings were a weakness that he violently opposed. On the other hand, they were a warmth that he desperately longed for. How could he allow himself to get so close to someone who could so easily walk out on their friendship? Of course the tragic irony was that Guts left in order to strengthen their friendship. Just a couple of volumes ago, it was Guts gushing over how grateful he was to have found someone to watch over him, and that despite Griffith’s harsh standards, “in my eyes, he’s even brighter.” Now their roles were reversed. It was Guts’ turn to watch over Griffith, and Griffith’s turn to be blinded by Guts’ glory.